June 30, 2024

Note # 1 : 21 Questions

Intro

Hey, how are you? Thank you for deciding to check this out.

This being the very first entry on my very first blog, I want to make sure I do a good job of explaining who I am, how this blog came to be, and what it may look like for my future posts.

So here we go.

Who is Rich

Hi, my name is Richard Idigo (Rich).

I am 34 years old, living in California where I was born and raised.

I am the proud son of Nigerian parents and the older brother to one sister and one brother.

I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in computer science and mathematics and currently operate my own private tutoring business.

In fact, I just celebrated five years of being my own boss, which is amazing.

If you are a “friend” on social media or even curious enough to do a quick Google search, you could learn all these things about me pretty easily.

However, allow me to share some things you probably wouldn’t be able to find out.

My weight has been a mentally debilitating factor my whole life.

Although I may never look like it and may seem confident at times, I assure you that is not the full truth.

I am constantly plagued and controlled by insecurities regarding my body, so much so that it has severely impacted my approach to new partnerships, friendships, and romantic relationships.

While on the topic of relationships, I just recently ended an extremely painful, turbulent relationship with someone who, at one point, I thought I would marry.

This has been somewhat of an epicenter for my recent mental health woes, and I am still processing and doing my best to manage.

Last year, I visited a psychiatrist for the first time and was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, moderate anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and a long-lasting form of depression known as Dysthymia.

To be fair, I have been somewhat aware of my depression for a while but had no formal affirmation from professional. My fight with depression reached an all-time low on October 16th, 2022… the closest I came to ending my own life.

I apologize for how jarring the abrupt change in mood may be, but I want to make sure I start off our relationship on the right foot, an honest one. I know this topic matter may be triggering, and for that I truly apologize.

Take any time you need to process your emotions as this might have been difficult to read. When you are ready, I would like to ask you to please come along with me so that I can share how this came to be.

“My fight with depression reached an all-time low on October 16th, 2022… the closest I came to ending my own life.”

When and How This Came to Be

Before reaching that extreme low in October of 2022, I want to rewind to April 2021, when I began therapy for the first time. Initially, I started therapy to gain insight into my dating life at the time. However, what I sought and what I got were incredibly and wonderfully different.

During my first sessions, my therapist suggested starting a journal. She encouraged me that it would help in many ways, especially in letting out my thoughts. I was very reluctant and hesitant, but I gave it a shot and… wow, was I surprised.

My very first entry was 895 words long, talking about my emotions and residual feelings from a woman I had dated the year before. Long story short, I wasn’t happy with our “situationship” but couldn’t bring myself to tell her what was going on with me. So, to go from not speaking a word to writing 900 words was such a huge leap for me.

I have struggled in the past with college papers and other writing assignments. But this was… almost effortless. That blank page in my journal became my canvas where I could let my thoughts run free. Free of judgment, free of shame, free of guilt, just free.

Although I was inconsistent, over the years, my journal became my no-judgment zone. To reference the X-Men, it became my Danger Room, a nod to my comic book nerds (there will be plenty of comic/nerd references, so be warned lol). This is especially true regarding my last relationship.

I will share more details and illustrate as much as I can as I grow more comfortable, but for now, just understand my journal was and is one of the only places I felt safe enough to speak my mind. Now, if you don’t mind, come with me to learn the why.

” That blank page in my journal became my canvas where I could let my thoughts run free”

Why Start This Blog

Well, to be honest, that part I am still figuring out lol.

If you know me, and I mean really know me, then you know that I am a very private person. I don’t share much about my private life with anyone, other than close family and extremely close friends.

So, a big part of me is actually ashamed and anxious for sharing what I have already mentioned. For many people in my life who know the lighter side of me, it will be the first time hearing about those “dimly-lit” areas of my life. That in itself makes me extremely anxious and very hesitant to even want to continue.

Consciously and unconsciously, I have built this idea of being “unbreakable” to those I love. If you were to ask those who are close to me to describe me, I have a pretty good idea of how they would respond: Rich is kind, warm, loving, caring, considerate, and easy to let your guard down with.

I have a mindset of helping whoever I can, however I can. So, people often come to me for advice or guidance, or just to have someone listen.

It’s very rare for me to come to anyone with my problems, but it doesn’t mean that I am not struggling like everyone else. In fact, for the longest time, and even now, I struggle with so many things, and it gets… really fucking difficult to want to continue sometimes.

October of 2022 was one of those unfortunate occurrences.

Windshields are made from tempered glass, known for its remarkable strength and resistance to impact. However, with the right amount of stress to one of its edges, the windshield will shatter into a million pieces.

Photo by Artyom Kulakov:

Thankfully, for one of the first times in my life, I reached out for help and I was saved. This is another very sensitive subject that I hope to share in future posts, but for now, I want you to know God is real, and using the people around me I can proudly call my loved ones, he saved my life.

So, I guess my why is this… There are people, just like me, who in public carry on as if all is okay, but on the inside, they are fighting a fierce battle.

Maybe they don’t have trust in those around them; shit, I know I didn’t either. Maybe they don’t think anything is wrong and this is how it’s supposed to be, or there is nothing they can do; bruh, this was me as well.

For any of us that are walking around with the burden of hopelessness, thinking there is nothing you can do… I want to say respectfully and lovingly, you are mistaken.

There are people out here that care for you, and I’m going to help you find them.

That is the why for From Your Big Brother. Now, let’s talk about what this will be.

What This Will Look Like

For a while, I struggled with how I envisioned this would go. My ADHD (which we will definitely dive into in future posts) had me jumping from idea to idea in such a way that would make anyone else dizzy. Even right now, I have a million ways I want to play this out, but it’s important to know what the core of From Your Big Brother is.

I am a 34-year-old Black man in America, and within that, there are so many layers of mental health that will be addressed. I want to make sure I speak to that in a way that will change perceptions of what being mentally healthy really is.

From Your Big Brother, at least initially, will be a blog that sends out weekly notes (I use the word “note” instead of “letter”) to anyone who is willing to listen. When I think of the words “Big Brother,” I very much associate it with a protector. A good brother will hype you up when you need a confidence boost, make you laugh when you are angry, and support and hug you when the world is on your shoulders.

That is what I want to be for you. By discussing events that have taken place in my life and things I have gone through or have been going through, I want to help you.

” A good brother will hype you up when you need a confidence boost, make you laugh when you are angry, and support and hug you when the world is on your shoulders. ”

This blog will focus on several facets of everyday life: friendships, family, work, faith, and relationships. Oof, that last one is probably going to have a lot of significance in this blog if I am being honest. I went through a lot with my previous partner, but as I am going through my healing journey, I also see I have grown a lot too.

I hope to share my experiences and thoughts so they can be used as a resource for those dealing with the same thing. In regards to the structure of the blog, my ADHD kicked my ass here too, lol. The format will undoubtedly evolve with time, but expect to see the following in some form or fashion:

• Story Time – I usually tell a story which may be a past experience that will have a lesson.
• Take Away – A highlight of the lesson or point I was trying to get across.
• Self-Work – I am still debating this, but I wanted to include something like homework for you to do, either for self-improvement or just for entertainment.
• Things That Made Me Smile – Music is a cornerstone of who I am as a person. I have used it in many ways in my life, as I am sure most people do. My goal is to share a song that either resonated with me that week or was just straight amazing to listen to. I may also include funny Instagram posts or TikToks; it just depends.
• At some point, I would like to include an advice column or something similar. I always enjoy giving advice and would honestly love to include that in the blog in some way.

Now let’s talk about where I get my inspiration from.

Where Does My Inspiration Comes From

While my goal is to be a metaphorical big brother to you, as I mentioned before, I am an actual big brother in real life lol. I have been for the past 30-some-odd years and wouldn’t trade it for anything. Everything I learned about what it means to be a protector, supporter, advocate, and occasional wrestling partner (lol) comes from these two.

Gina (in the middle), is one of the most determined people I have ever had the honor to know. She is strong—not only physically (no joke, she is incredibly strong for her size lol)—but especially mentally. Even though she is younger than me, a lot of times growing up she acted like she was the oldest. One thing about her, she doesn’t play about her family. She is one of the most loyal people I know, and I am blessed to have her as my sister.

Chima (far left), my younger brother, where do I start with him lol. The self-proclaimed wild child with a heart of gold. Trust me when I say he is one of the kindest people you will ever meet. One thing I always admired about my brother was his genuineness to himself. My brother has always been one to march to the beat of his own drum, and I love that about him. Also, he has a delectable taste in music and film.

These two have shown me so much about myself and have taught me even more. They have inspired so much about me, including From Your Big Brother. Because of them, I am a big brother, and I thank God I have them.

So I declare now that every post I write on this blog is dedicated to them. I hope to share more pictures of us, but I have already been pressed about it, so we will see how long it lasts lol. With them in mind, I will do my best to be there for whoever finds their way to me. As they have shown me time and time again, you aren’t alone, and I’ve got your back.

Love you Kankem and Chima
Rich
Your Big Brother