Good, I hope! Thanksgiving just passed, and I hope you were able to spend some quality time with your loved ones. But in case you weren’t able to, for whatever reason, I want you to know it’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here. And this note might be just for you…
Towards the end of the year, a lot of people look forward to the holidays for several reasons: getting a break from work, taking advantage of Black Friday sales, or spending time with people they love. For many, these are times full of joy. However, that’s not the case for everyone.
Diagram of the symptoms of SAD( sorry AI has hard time with text in the image
For some of us may, this time of year is actually a real struggle to get through. This is because we battle Seasonal Depression, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This type of depression occurs during specific times of the year, especially in the fall and winter months—right around the holidays. Symptoms of SAD include persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, irritability, severe fatigue, low energy, and significantly increased sleep. The list goes on, but one of the most concerning symptoms is thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior.
If any of this sounds familiar, I first want to say I’m so sorry. I also want you to know you’re not alone. In all honesty, I’ve experienced the full spectrum of SAD, including SI (suicidal ideation) in the past. While I may not know exactly what you’re going through right now, I want to share something that may help. Take some time if you need to before continuing—but when you’re ready, I’ll be here.
Rewind: 2023
Last year was filled with unforgettable memories. Some of the highlights (or so they seemed at the time) included entering an official relationship with my ex, Sunny (not much of a highlight in hindsight, lol). One of the absolute best days of my life was a surprise birthday party thrown just for me. On top of that, my tutoring business hit significant milestones, solidifying it as an overwhelming success. Yes, last year was full of highs—but you know what they say: what goes up, must come down.
I have to be honest, as high as my highs were, I had some really low lows. To be unfiltered for a moment, my depression really kicked the crap out of me last year. Things became especially difficult around October when the change of seasons seemed to amplify everything I was already struggling with.
A screenshot of my face right before tutoring one of my students. I was really sad here.
At that time, my depression was ramping up dramatically. I remember how hard each day felt. I had no motivation to do anything. It felt like my only capacity was for the bare essentials: breathing and eating. Most days, I stayed in bed all day, only getting up to use the restroom or scrounge up something to eat from the kitchen. As personal (and maybe TMI) as this next part may be, I often only showered when I had to go see my clients. Otherwise, I would go days without taking care of myself. It’s tough to admit, but it’s the fucking truth.
As bad as that sounds, the aspect of my seasonal depression that still resonates with me most is the overwhelming loneliness. Many people don’t realize how isolating depression can be. Yes, I was in a relationship with someone I loved deeply. Yes, I have an incredibly loving family who has always supported me. Yes, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. But I still felt completely alone.
Forced myself out of bed to record myself for a social media for a company I was partnering with, this part didnt make the cut
The truth is, my depression kidnapped me from all those relationships and convinced me I didn’t deserve them. It gripped me tightly, whispering over and over: “You deserve nothing but pain and suffering.” And sadly, I believed it.
Because I believed it, I spent my nephew’s 7th birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in my apartment, in my bed—alone. Depression chained me up mentally, making me feel not only incapable of asking for help but also unworthy of receiving it.
I know this may be incredibly hard to read, and for that, I’m sorry. Take a moment for yourself and come back when you’re ready. I promise, it will be worth it.
“
As high as my highs were, I had some really low lows…
Fast-Forward: 2024
So now, let’s fast-forward to the present moment. A whole year has passed—what’s changed? Well, let me tell you—a whole lot.
This year, my nephew (my sister’s son) turned 8 years old, and we threw a birthday party just for him… and I was there. We went to this family fun center with all kinds of food, rides, and a massive arcade. My sister, my brother, and I were all there, hanging out with my nephew and watching him have the time of his life.
He was so happy, running around, playing games, and soaking in all the fun. That night, when I got home, I scrolled through the pictures and found one of him laughing and playing with my younger brother. I almost cried. I thought to myself, “Damn, this might just be one of the best days of my life.” 🥹
My brother playing an arcade game on my nephews bday 🥹 🥹 🥹
Fast-forward a month to two weeks ago: Thanksgiving. We celebrated at my family home with my mom, dad, brother, sister, and nephew… and I was there. It was just a small gathering with my immediate family, but that’s how we usually do it. We spent the day enjoying each other’s company and eating way too much food.
Later in the evening, my cousins Emmanuel and Steven stopped by. I always love being around them. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, but it was like no time had passed. The rest of the evening was filled with laughter, reminiscing about old memories, and sharing music. I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard—so much so that I had to clip a moment and share it with y’all ( wait till the end)
Toward the end of the night, after everyone went home, I sat back and thought, “Damn, this was the best Thanksgiving in a long time.”
“
Damn, this might just be one of the best days of my life. 🥹
Promise
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on these two special occasions and the two polarizing times in my life they represent. Last year, I was literally fighting every day to “stay” here. This year, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
I thought about what made the difference, but it didn’t take long to figure it out. My depression, while still present, wasn’t as loud anymore. The grip it had on me loosened just enough for light to pierce through its claws. That light, I now recognize, was a promise: If you keep fighting, if you ignore those whispers of hopelessness, if you stick around… it gets better… and you’ll be here to see it.
Ray of light piercing through the clouds shining on a once forgotten forest.
I began this note by saying I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. But I hope you can feel that my intention is to empathize with you as someone who understands the pain you may be carrying.
Even now, I can’t pinpoint all the factors that might have positively impacted my depression over the past year. But I can make two observations that might have played a role:
No longer being involved with someone who triggered and fed my depression (Sunny).
Being surrounded by tried-and-true family and friends who brought me more laughs and smiles than I’ve had in a long time.
I think this change, while simple might have made all the difference. It highlights the important of making sure you invest your energy in the right people and situation. Simple put, Sunny fed my depression, while my family and friends fought it.
As I continue to unpack this, I plan to return with a future note about the specific things I’ve experienced that have helped me combat depression. For now, though, I have something I’d like you to try.
“
If you keep fighting, if you ignore those whispers of hopelessness, if you stick around… it gets better… and you’ll be here to see it.
Self-Work: Take Care of Yourself
Usually, I’d ask you to try some kind of “homework” that might push you out of your comfort zone. But honestly, right now, I just want to make sure you’re okay. If you’re feeling anything like I was back in 2023, I want to encourage you to be there for you. I know it can be hard to find the energy or capacity, but please do your best to take care of yourself. Maybe that means making yourself a warm meal, taking a soothing shower, or getting some much-needed rest. Whatever self-care looks like for you, give yourself permission to do it.
And one more thing… if you’re having those thoughts—of hopelessness or that you don’t belong here—please don’t believe them. Those thoughts are lies. People want you here, I want you here, and you deserve to want to be here too. Please try to reach out and talk to someone—family, friends, or even emergency services if you need to. You’re not alone.
If you’re feeling okay but still need someone to talk to, feel free to drop a message here. I’ll be here.
Take care and talk to you soon Rich Your Big Brother
Thank you Reader for reading this. The fact that you care enough to listen to what I have to say means so much. The world is a pretty difficult place sometimes, and our mental health can make all the difference. Please know that as long as you will allow me, I am here with you.
